my heart right now.
michael grilled a delicious dinner for us tonight. we sat out and enjoyed time under our big green umbrella. we're pretty thankful for that shade. elle was super excited. you can tell, right? she was pretty giddy about little pieces of fresh pineapple i gave her. we came in and elle got her bath, we read a book and i nursed her in the little white rocking chair that belonged to my great-grandma. this is our new bed-time routine since she started sleeping in her crib. i used to nurse her to sleep in our bed until a couple weeks ago. lots of people told me that was a no-no and that it would be a hard "habit" to break. guess what? those were some of the best cuddle/bonding times and it was not hard to break her of it at all. no regrets here.
anyways... we were in the little rocking chair, from grandma pearl, that is more my size and not so much michael size...
then i heard the thunder. i wasn't sure how she would react, but she just looked up and smiled at me then went back to eating. i smiled back and thought about how special she is to me. i thought about who she will become. i prayed that she'll always follow strong after God. i prayed that she'll be careful to speak Love and not hate to others. i prayed that she'll know i'll always love her... no matter what. we don't spend much time apart. the couple that served in the nursery at church today said she was so easy going. a month or two ago that wasn't the case. her number was put up on the screen during the service (a few weeks ago) because they needed me. she was crying and they couldn't get her to calm down. she saw me and immediately stopped. i know.... spoiled. she's learning and growing into such a sweet little being. she's becoming more independent. i can tell. when she looked up at me tonight and smiled it was like she was saying "i'm not scared of a little storm. i got this" and when i checked on her today in the nursery she was playing and talking away with the other babies. she even started letting go of whatever she's pulled up on. i caught it on video today... her standing all on her own for a whole two seconds. such a big (little) girl.
the storm? it ended up not being so little. lightening. thunder. hail. but, the rain... it was wonderful. i love storms that don't develop into severe weather (like tornados).
a "tornado" just happened recently in my life. i know that's cheesy, but it means something swept up suddenly that i wasn't prepared for. it's something that won't be shared on this blog. probably ever. but, my heart is heavy and my mind is full of questions that i'll probably never know the answer to. it was a tough weekend. and i've spent so much time praying/thinking/searching for how to handle what's going on (yes, i know.. so sorry for being so vague. don't feel too left out because i won't be sharing with close family and friends either. i will tell you it's not about me directly, but someone i care about a lot).
if only i could have child-like faith right now. i need it. i need that smile that elle smiled thinking everything was okay because she felt safe and knew i was there. i know God is always faithful. i know everything will be okay. i know i need to speak Love. but, i will be totally honest. that is so stinking hard for me right now. my heart hurts.